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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become maladaptive in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-defeating. You know it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and anxiety.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.